Ramblings

Ramblings: Fucking Hell

Just when you think things can’t get any shitter they do. Our coat rack fell off the wall yesterday, still with it’s too many coats attached. Under it is the buggy, the car seat, some shoes, some books for the charity shop. Other things too probably. I wouldn’t know because we still haven’t moved it. It is absolutely the least of our problems in a week when we’re both drowning in work and the car failed it’s MOT (to the tune of £700, WITH a discount). A shit week in a sea of shit weeks this year, when financial woes have become beyond crippling.

I was asked if I wanted a job on a film the other week by a friend who knows times are tight. It might have been juggle-able with my business (in an insane way, obviously, but the summer is usually quieter) except for the fact that I’m still exclusively breastfeeding the Little Miss, and the childcare cover we’d have needed to make my working away from home possible was going to use up all the money. As it turned out, the work I couldn’t afford not to take, I couldn’t afford to take.

This on top of the fact that last month we had to slash the Little Man’s nursery hours after fees went up by 50%. The first week of new, fewer nursery hours, I had to console my sobbing toddler in the street because he was so upset at coming home from nursery early. Tears streamed down my cheeks (thank you sunglasses for hiding them), as I tried to explain that we couldn’t afford for him to have lunch there anymore. Lunch being one of his favourite parts about going. And, truth be told, one of my favourite parts about him going too as it’s an extra load of cooking, shopping and clearing up I could do without.

I’ve been feeling a bit sad about women’s working opportunities post-kids lately. I don’t mind it being harder. I don’t mind it being a juggle. My life is fuller now, it should be more complicated, because it’s richer too. But it shouldn’t be THIS hard. I should be able to have my printer stop working and take 10mins to fix it without almost crying at the thought of how else I should be spending those precious minutes on other things on my long to do list. It’s actually been 3 days, two different types of paper, a new print cartridge and a lot of shouting. And it’s still not fixed. I ONLY WANT TO PRINT ONE SODDING LETTER.

My reading pile (screenplays, I’m a film & TV agent) is like the magic porridge pot – you can never get to the bottom of it. Right now if I could read everything I currently have to read, in one go, uninterrupted (ha!), it would take about 15 hours. That doesn’t include the thinking time on each script and the note-making. And I know that the pile will keep getting bigger every day. That’s on top of all the other stuff.

So today, this week, this month, this whole bloody year so far, I’m drowning, not waving. We are up to our eyeballs. Broke, exhausted and swearing at the printer. And after being so inspired at the Q&A I hosted last night for Women in Film & Television with the wonderful Karol Griffiths, I am going to try and write a new screenplay too.

Because what else can you do? You keep going, you have new ideas, you try new things, and you hope for better days.

And tonight. Tonight I will drink wine.

 

Join the discussion

  1. Nikki

    Oh god YES that all sounds very familiar! especially the bit at the end, about the wine…but this year though – the car, the roof (argh the roof) and everything else – Woe!
    I do love your ramblings though, thismamadoes.

    • Christina Pickworth

      Thank you Nikki. Hope your car/roof woes sod off! All this rain doesn’t help anyone!

  2. Bianca

    Hi Christina,

    Bianca here, used to work with Alan at Screen. Many years ago. I have started following your blog entries at your hubby’s Facebook suggestion. As a full time working mum of a 5 and half year old daughter and a 2 and a half year old son, I HEAR YA’: knackered? check! emotional and snappy? check! feeling like I never have enough time? hell, yes! penniless? erm, yep! So, although I don’t know you in person, I had to lend some sort of support and tell you that in writing this article you have pretty much described my life. Enjoy your glass of wine ( or five).

    • Christina Pickworth

      Hi Bianca, thanks so much for your message and so pleased you are enjoying the blog – it’s so great to hear from people and know someone is reading my ramblings! Hang in there too. Wine is the answer!

  3. Diana L.

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!! What a very honest post and I’m sorry your week has been so shit! But if it helps, I’m with you on this one! I work part-time to keep myself sane and my wage goes all on childcare and I’m left always thinking I’m doing a shit job at work and on parenting coming away with less time with the children and no money. But if I didn’t work I’d be beating myself up for not working. It’s vicious cycle! Oh and the plate on our downstairs toilet broke TWO months ago and we still haven’t fixed it and are currently living like freaking hillbillies by sticking our damn hands into a hole in a wall to pull up the lever to flush. Fuck sake. I need a big glass of gin. Hang in there lady! xx

    • Christina Pickworth

      It’s SO shit isn’t it! But I’m with you – I want to work and the struggle is so dull. Your loo lever (or lack of one!) has made me chuckle. Our shower broke last Christmas and so we had baths for 6 months until we got it fixed! Hang in there too lovely girl, you’re doing a cracking job. And one day we must drink gin together!! Xx

  4. Freya Eden-Ellis

    Hi Christina, been a while, hope you’re very well! I noticed you on Instagram and thought I would check your blog out. This post made me want to laugh and cry all at once, I am completely there with you. I love my boy endlessly, of course, but while trying to develop ideas, work and earn money – as well as keeping down a second job to feed the hungry bill monsters – I don’t feel I am giving 100% to anything. Can get you down, but you’re right, life is better for being richer. Joining you on the wine, though I have just realised that I didn’t take advantage of the fact it was World Gin Day yesterday and I am wondering about making it up this evening…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *